Friday, July 8, 2016
1. You are always self-occupied. Even when you do a favor for me I believe that you are keeping score. I will owe you. When I start telling you an anecdote you don’t let me finish because you are sharing one of yours. I usually cannot get a word in edgewise. Yes, I have overlooked it for years but eventually I am thinking, not a good fulfilling friendship. This person is not really interested in me or anything I have to share.
2. You never just listen to me; you jump in with advice way too soon. Often I have already tried the things you suggest. I have already thought of those things. There might be more to the story, maybe there are pieces I just am not able to share. Just listening with empathy might be all I am needing, unless I come out and ask, “what would you do”.
3. You are to ready to judge me. If someone comes to you with gossip or something that is good and not in my best interest, you are willing to jump on board. You participated in that gossip not knowing if it was true or not. It got back to me and it made me quite sad because, often I have defended you for something very similar. We are human and all of us make mistakes. I might be in a bad mood sometimes but mostly I am caring and understanding. Allow people to have a “bad hair day” like when the Paparazzi catches a celebrity on their way to the drug store, feeling ill, and no make-up. Yeah we all have those moments. Right?
4. When I have a small win or achievement you are discounting that or trying to outdo it with one of your personal achievements. It is perfectly OK to celebrate achievements with your friends. And if someone is unable to celebrate with you that is OK too. But is that friend consistently not available or not happy for you for some reason? OK not a healthy friendship. I remember getting an A in biology and chemistry and my friend got C’s. He was so jealous he said, “you had really easy teachers.” No that was not the reason. Real friends will be supportive of your success and not threatened by it.
5. When you call it is always a great deal of drama. I am just there to emotionally dump on. Maybe I just took my cat to the vet, and cannot deal with drama and emotion at that moment. Maybe it is the anniversary of a loved one’s death. Maybe the last time I called with some tearful news, you were not able to talk. Maybe I am not the one to always be “there” as a shoulder to cry on.
6. When I call you are always asking me questions I don’t want to answer. Questions like, have you lost weight or has your ex-boyfriend called lately. Did you get that job you interviewed for? Instead of just letting the conversation flow easily into areas of mutual interests, it seems like an interrogation. If I change subjects, that is a clue that probably my boyfriend has not called, no I didn’t get that job, and no I am still fat.
7. Although I don’t keep score on doing favors, if the only time I see or hear from you is when you need me to spot you some money or do another favor for you, it is not a healthy reciprocal relationship. If I stay in that sort of “friendship” I am not honoring myself. In other words, I have poor boundaries. Since I do psychic readings, often it is to someone advantage to “become a friend”. They will do that by asking me personal questions. Then they can give me some sage advice and then it becomes a quid pro quo session. I have much better boundaries with that, I just don’t share personal info. There are clients who have become friends along the way but it was for all the right reasons.
8. People sometimes get off on the wrong foot. If I am having a bad day, and someone else is having an equal bad day, it is unfair to judge them one way or the other. In the third grade, there was the new girl, and I did not like her. I was quite catty to her. Perhaps jealousy. After a very emotional fight we became best friends. That is a typical syndrome of alpha females. Be careful of the ones who seem like friends but are really frenemies. We all have come across people sweet as peach pie, but they don’t like you. Once you discover who they are, they are not in your inner circle any more, well at least not mine.
9. In spite of what I said about “not jumping in with advice”, there is an exception. There are advice-giver people who are more acquaintances, in my world; however, I can think of some moments when I had a big decision to make, and significant others let me make the wrong choice without a whisper of objection. They are not my real friends. There is, on the other hand, a friend I am thinking of that stopped me from making a horrible mistake. I was about to move in with a roommate who had a bad alcohol problem. It would have been hell. My friend was very emotional about asking me to reconsider. Intuitively, I probably knew better but was not listening to my inner guru or higher perspective. Thank God for those people who occasionally stopped me from jumping out into traffic (metaphorically speaking). Those are your real friends. Keep them close.
10.The last is a Hodge podge of annoying things. If anyone does not understand my right to self-actualize and the important person that I am (we are all important), they will put their own agendas above mine. That does not make them a bad person, but, I am forewarned that they lean towards self-gratification. They will offer help but not follow through. The best protection is to not really count on them. On the other hand, I need to be aware of people who do nice little things for me. Sometimes, they are taken for granted and that is a shame. When I am in the right place (zone) my heart will attract the right people into my life. When I am not in the right place, I just put up some good boundaries, and ignore some people.